Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
