i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
