If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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