matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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