Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
