it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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