spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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