Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
These tits shall not be calmed
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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