Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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