just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
