Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
