I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
