Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
