he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
