dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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