life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
