I just threw up on my dentist
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
