if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
