using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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