Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
