Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
