That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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