Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize