I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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