a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
