I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize