is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
organizing the empties. That sober.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
