I haven't been this sober since birth.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
