Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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