Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
