I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
