she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
