No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize