i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize