I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
