I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
