So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
