The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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