my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That was an excessively violent trivia night
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Randomize