just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
