textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize