You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
