if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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