how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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