Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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