This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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