it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
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