I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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