my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
