3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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