when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize