very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
