Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
