I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
