i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize