Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize