tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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