Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I don't deserve a penis
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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