Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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