I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Randomize
