Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
