The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
