My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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