I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
