Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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