I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
