We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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