And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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