um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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