I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
